Leaders are strong. Leaders are brave. Leaders are stoic. Leaders cry sometimes and talk about hard, personal things. Wait, what? That can’t be right. Or, can it?
When I was hired to head up the Admission Office at my alma mater in 2013, I was excited and terrified. As that collision of emotions leaked out of my eyes in a “what have I gotten myself into?” conversation with a trusted mentor, she advised me to watch Brené Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability – if you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend YouTube-ing it. What my colleague and Brené helped me embrace and understand, is it’s okay to feel uncomfortable and uncertain, and to even embrace that feeling and share it with others at risk of feeling judged. But I was hired to be in charge.. to have all of the answers… to be the rock for the team. Right? Yes, and no.
Full disclosure - I’m a crier. Happy, sentimental, proud, sad, stressed, anxious - whatever! Tears may appear. At some point in the 2020-21 school year, I was Googling “how to stop crying at work.” It was a low point. Enter self-doubt: Was I really cut out for this? Was I strong and brave enough? Was I too emotional? I shared what I had searched with my team in a meeting around that time, and I was surprised by their collective response of, “If you stop crying, we would be worried! It’s part of what makes you you!”
This was a pivotal moment in my leadership journey. It forced me to retrain myself in my perceptions of what it means to be a “good” leader and helped to articulate a few of my critical priorities and values in leadership and culture:
- We are humans first, employees second. We all have personal lives that will infiltrate our work lives. Over compartmentalizing and separating the two can sometimes do more harm than good. Finding healthy ways to share and talk with trusted colleagues about our own lives and learning about theirs can be beneficial as we celebrate the good times and support each other in times of crisis.
- Genuine emotion breaks down barriers. Appropriately showing and processing emotion has a way of making leaders more relatable. When we lead by example and display that we can express and process emotions at work, our team is more likely to feel safe sharing what’s on their mind. This doesn’t just apply to tearful moments - I’m also a loud laugher and do not waste time on polite giggles. Rather, my laugh genuinely rolls from my belly and out of my mouth in a way I’m told is warm and disarming (thankfully it hasn’t scared anyone off, though I have gotten a few head turns in restaurants and libraries).
- Leadership is not one-size-fits-all. Leaders come in all shapes, sizes, and comfort levels with emotions. It’s possible to be a great leader wherever you may fall in this spectrum. Just be YOU.
- Leaders do not have to have all of the answers. Rather, we must demonstrate confidence in our ability to support our teams and willingness to find the answer and problem solve together.
- Boundaries and moderation remain critical. Occasionally tearing up, having a good belly laugh, or expressing frustration can be very healthy and help build trust with colleagues through our humanity. That said, regularly sobbing, laughing uncontrollably, or raising your voice may damage your credibility. Like most things in life, you have to trust your gut and know where and when to draw the line. Lean on trusted colleagues, friends, and mentors to help if this becomes a struggle.
Vulnerability in leadership creates a culture of empathy. When a team operates with empathy and care for each other as humans, strategy and tasks are accomplished with greater joy. A joyful team reaches successful outcomes, and everyone wins.